An Ancient Mystery Solved!

ROCK ON For centuries people have asked just what are the Egyptian pyramids for? Are they tombs? Sources of cosmic power? Beacons for interstellar travel? Storehouses for surplus grain? Now, thanks to Zappaman (and a good deal of Southern Comfort) we have the answer!

STAR CHART Several thousand years ago a tour band, Kyathu H’zapai from the planet Blip, was passing through our solar system on the way to a gig. The ship’s engineer had run off with an Althosian Bruthabeast at the last port of call, so the drummer was taking on his position. Unfortunately the drummer knew very little about stardrives, and was basically reading the technical manual as he went along. Opening it on the wrong section one night, he was mislead into believing that disconnecting the Navicomp and reconnecting it to the main fusion generator output would increase the ship’s speed by tenfold, allowing them longer to bum around on the various planets they visited. He did this, and of course melted the Navicomp into a pile of radioactive slag.

The ship made an emergency landing on the nearest planet, which happened to be Earth. Landing in Egypt, and creating the Al Fayyum depression in the process, they discovered that the local people were fairly intelligent. Taking advantage of their superior technology, the group set themselves us as gods, and lived in luxury for the several months it took to repair the ship and install the spare Navicomp.

Once this was accomplished, the group decided to thank the Egyptians for their hospitality by putting on a free gig. Using the ship’s massdrivers they built a crude approximation of a Megaplex speaker complex out of the local stone. Facing this with marble completed the job giving fairly good amplification qualities to the structure.

TABLOID The gig was roaring success, the primitive amplification array performing extremely well and pumping out soundwaves that could be heard throughout the Mediterranean basin. After the gig the group packed up their equipment, said their goodbyes and flew off, later making millions from selling their story to the tabloids. The speaker array was left standing, and became known as the pyramids.

The central speaker cone was the Great Pyramid of Cheops. The three chambers were used to house (from the bottom up) the drummer, the backup vocals and saxophones, and the electric guitars and main vocalist. The long gallery was the location of the of the sound mixing equipment. The smaller pyramids acted as sound reflectors and secondary speaker cones. The boat found on the site and the sphinx were part of the stage show.

The meaning of all this for us today is that Cairo has a world class concert venue sitting on it’s doorstep. All it needs is for the pyramids to be recoated with a sound reflective material (Zappaman recommends Italian slate) and Egypt will be able to play host to such major acts as Madonna, Michael Jackson, U2 and Zappaman himself.



©Copyright Denys the Purple Wyrm 1993-2004