THE MOVIE REVIEW
"This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents"
Mike, Mystery Science Theatre 3000
A few years back myself and a couple of friends decided to produce a fanzine. We called it "The Gaping Hole", and it lasted for exactly one issue. I think we sold two copies. In any case that one issue, and the half completed second issue, had a few good points, one of which (I think) was this film review.
In order to review this film, we actually had to sit through it. I wouldn't recomend this to anyone else, unless they happen to be dedicated masochists. The rating at the end is given in terms of how much alcohol you'd have to drink to appreciate the movie. The amount we recomend would probably kill you, certainly I'd have much prefered to have been dead than watch this crap.
a Conan the
Hunk - TV's Santa Barbara
"Potatoes are what WE eat!"
...a neurotic, balding, middle aged mage...
"It will be a BAD year for oats!"
This film is sad. Really sad. The cover shows an illustration no doubt intended for a Conan the Barbarian book. This has no relationship whatsoever to the movie. It seems to have emerged from Mexico in 1989, but the credits are so small it's hard to say (our magnifying glass was a bit chipped).
The characters include a wizard-come-goat psychologist, a neurotic, balding, middle aged mage with a midlife crisis and marital problems, twin princesses played by the same actress (Carla Herd), Tattoo from Fantasy Island, potato munching wild women and Deathstalker himself, played by John Allen Nelson (Hunk, TV's Santa Barbara). They all seem to be after some plastic rock-come-jewels that give access to a secret city made of treasure (ooooh, original).
There's plenty of dry ice fog, and the same actors play different minor parts over and over again. Cardboard swords, bad horseriding, ridiculous cuts, and American slang all add to the atmosphere of cack-handed incompetence.
The setting seems to be medieval America where the prevailing fashion is fur boots and grey tights. The special effects have to be seen to be believed. Wonder at the marvellous coin trick! Be dazzled by the ghosts on sticks! See the wizard attempt to raise the dead by apparently pulling on their rip cords! An irritating, incessant synthesiser soundtrack is the final straw.
Gratuitous sex scenes and female toplessness are scattered around to keep the viewers interested. The swordfighting involves pointless pirouettes, and needless jumping on furniture, swinging on ropes, and grunts, that add nothing to the film.
Watch for the irrelevant red buzz saw blade, and puzzling glowing green stuff. At the end the jewels are reunited in a rather pathetic pyrotechnic fizzle, and the movie wraps up inexplicably with no sight of the treasure city, yet everyone is happy enough to date their failed assassins. And we're still waiting for the Warriors from Hell to show up.
The cover claims it's "The Most Action Packed Deathstalker Yet!". How in hell did this ever get past the script stage?
RATING: Ten kegs, Five Jim Beams, and several gallons of Tequila (You will at least appreciate the nudity).
(Most of the images on this page are taken from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode 703 which featured Deathstalker III. This is highly recommended, however many scenes are cut out due to time and content constraits - no nudity for a start. For the full Deathstalker experience get hold of the video.)
This Film review is ©Copyright Denys the Purple Wyrm and associates 1999-2004