The Kook Report

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I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you

What is the Illuminatus! Trilogy?
Oh, that old Yarn by Wilson, right?
I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny.
I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the secrets of the universe, if you look hard enough.
I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia!
I sign my name with the letters KNS after it.

You're walking down the street, dressed in your favourite clothes

Businessmen look upon you as an equal
No-one pays much attention. Trendy young people snigger slightly.
Little children look slightly nervous at you.
Builders and labourers cross the road to avoid passing you.
A concerned citizen phones the police, who send in a SWAT team to take you out. Ha! It does no better than the last three.
No-one pays much attention, until they try to seduce you. When they see your underwear, those who survive run away very, very fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You do try not to sit down too much, though.

What do you think of Cthulhu?

Ummm... its a random string of unintelligble letters?
Monster from Lovecraft's horror fiction.
Tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunked island in the south pacific, waiting to rise again.
A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based rituals to Unknown Kaddath.
Hng! Hng! Ia! Ia Cthulhu f'htagn! f-f-f-father! YOG SOTHOTH!!
[Secretive smile] Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book, sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions?

How do you derive your regular income?

I work in an office. Why?
I get a grant.
I'm on welfare hand-outs.
I deal drugs in Times Square.
My father, who died some years ago, left me an inheritance that produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's more than enough to keep my work going without 'dipping into the capital'.
Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means varies from day to day - yesterday, I found N$3000 (Three Thousand Nigerian Dollars) hidden inside a cat.

Bob?

Jim?
Oh yeah, what do you call a disabled guy in a swimming pool, haha.
Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha!
... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my switch and watch me blast you into space, baby! I ate the earth for breakfast, but it tasted crap so I spewed it back up again! Nothing can come close to me, because I COME CLOSE TO IT !! I...
That'll be $5, please.
No.

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Where, to your mind, do 'Strange Phenomena' start being strange?

Anything that science can't explain easily.
Telepathy. That really wierds me.
A Rain of Live Frogs.
Crop Circles appearing in concrete.
Large demons appearing on live TV and ripping up a politician.
From the womb onwards, dude.

What is Magick?

David Copperfield. (But you spelt it wrong - no 'k', dumb-head).
Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens.
Frazer's Law of Sympathy and Law of Contagion.
The art of causing change in conformity with will.
All life is Magick.
Laughter.

Do you possess any psychic powers?

Aw, frag off smeghead.
No, but I wish I did.
Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my feminine nature.
I know who's on the phone before I answer it.
Yes, I often get visions which later come true. Bookies hate me.
Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-contact Psychometry! Say.. you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathys and a Clairvoyance, would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers, too...

Do you play any Role-Playing Games?

Dungeons and Dragons leads to Satanism and suicide. I'm way too smart for that.
Oh boy, yes! I only stop playing CarWars to go to the toilet once a week!
Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. They're an interesting exercise.
I read White Wolf(tm) Rulebooks, but I don't actually play.
I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact.
Play??? Look bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs! Don't believe me? Watch, then as I fireball your cat! ***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH*** **WHUMP** *MEEeeoooww......* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

A typical thing that your parents would say to you is:

"Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly... I've been so tired recently."
"TURN THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN!"
"Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? Its 2am, forgodsake!"
told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive.
"Its who??"
Nzrgnbit Zipplikaddah Cherbis Gazrag Earth Minnip Koodah Soon. Mwahahah!

Do you see auras?

What they?
No.
I tried once or twice, but no luck.
After 30 minutes naked, alone in a dark room...
Yes.
That depends. I had a real mean aura in hear once, it chewed up half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it offering? Is it house-trained?

If you are going to program a computer, what language do you use?

Oh, I don't program computers. I use Microsoft.
BASIC.
Pascal
Object-extended C++, with the help of some home-defined libraries.
I program in bianry, actually.
COBOL.

Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt, who dies and leaves you something in her will. What would it be?

Ten Million Dollars.
A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture.
A cat.
A crumbling old gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare at you with a mixture of fear, hope and pity, but all you can think of is the wonderful party you're going to have there at the next full moon with all your Sorority sisters from the Campus.
A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look suspiciously like an ancient map...
A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd heiroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in the attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that your lawyer receives a short time later.

What did you last eat?

A nice pork chop, with some boiled potato and cabbage.
Lentil stew with wok-fried beansprouts and a glass of holistic carrot extract.
A portion of chips.
A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy.
Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, your dog's sexual fluids, burnt parchment and oatmeal bran.
Somalia.

What work of Aleistair Crowley's did you find most illuminating?

Who?
Oh, well, actually, I never read any of his stuff yet, but I will real soon.
Magick in Theory and in Practice
Diary of a Drug Fiend
The Book of The Law
The Book of Lies

What is your normal sexual position?

Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose.
On top.
In train toilets.
In the middle.
Spread on the altar with a candle up my a**
Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded together and a pair of moroccan Baboons for light relief.

Do you have any pets?

Yes, a dog.
No.
Yes, a cat.
Yes, six japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated.
Weellll, sort of - I breed rabbits, goats and black cockerels. I do try not to get too attached to them, though.
Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. He'd like to see my pets, Igor! Come, come, let me show you. Its much easier that way.

Which of the following phrases do you use most often?

"Isn't the weather dreadful!"
"No, thanks."
"A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your child? Please, have her back. Good day! I beg your...? Fuck you too, Madam."
"Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!!"
"Please come back, little person! I only playing! Ha! Caught you! Oh. You leaking, person! Wake up! Why you all go sleep? No fun! You people so boring!"