Evidence has come to light that the lead singer of Nirvana was a relentless foe of the Illuminati, and was killed when he came too close to the truth. In fact he went so far as to name his band after one mentioned in the "Illuminatis!" trilogy, the expose published in the mid seventies (also mentioned in this work is "Dog Star" can we thus assume Keanu Reeves is also involved?). Anti-illuminati messages can be found in many Nirvana recordings, including "Smells like Teen Spirit" ("John Dillinger Died for You" can be heard when playing the record backwards) In the origional CD single release of this song, Hagbard Celine (Leader of the LDD) is credited on the rear of the sleeve. Rumours say that In Utro contains many samples from "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles, another Celine referance, although this has not been conclusively proved. It appears that the performance of David Bowie's "The man who sold the World" at the MTV Nirvana Unplugged performance was too much for the Illuminati to put up with, the song contains many anti-illuminati statements. And so Cobain was murdered, although it was made to look like suicide. Of course, with the groups that Cobain had access to, it would have been easy to substitute a clone, and thus he may still be alive and in hiding somewhere.

OH MATE YOU GOTTA SEE GINOS NEW 351 GTHO FORD THAT HE'S JUST FINISHED REBUILDING ITS SICK MATE ITS GOT A FULL ON NINE INCH DIFF AN A BOMBED 351 ITD BLOW THE DOORS OFF ANYTHING ON THE ROAD IT'S SO SICK MATE OH MATE YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS CHICK I COULD HAVE GOTTEN WITH AT HAVANAS THE OTHER NIGHT MATE SHE WAS SICK MATE SHE CAME UP TO ME FROM OUT OF NOWHERE AN SAID SHE WANTED ME AN STARTED RUBBING ME BUT GINA AN MARIA WERE THERE SO I COULDNT DO NUTHIN I WAS SO SPEWIN MATE THEN WE WENT TO DCS FOR A WHILE BUT IT WAS DEAD SO WE WENT TO THE RAQUET CLUB AN I GOT ON WITH THIS THIRTY YEAR OLD CHICK SHE WAS SICK BUT SHE'S GOT THREE KIDS SO I COULDNT DO NUTHIN WITH HER EITHER THEN WHEN WE WERE WALKING OUT THE BOUNCERS STARTED GIVING US SHIT AN CALLING US DUMB WOGS SO WE SMASHED THEM AN THEN THE COPS CAME AN ASKED ME QUESTIONS AN TRIED TO TAKE ME TO THE COP STATION AN I SMASHED THEM TOO AN THEN THIS THIS BIG RUSSIAN GUY CAME UP AN WANTED A GO AN TOLD ME HE WAS GONNA GET ALL HIS RUSSIAN MATES TO SMASH ME BUT I JUST SAID TO HIM MATE I KNOW KIZZON AN THEN HE SHIT HIMSELF AN TOOK OFF SO WE WENT TO MACCAS AN GOT SOME FOOD AN WENT HOME WHAT A SICK NIGHT

(THE CLEAN VERSION) THIS IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST SATURDAY NIGHT I WENT OUT WITH A FEW FRIENDS TO SEE A BAND AT THE LOOKOUT IN SCARBOUROUGH AND HAD A FEW BEERS. I WAS SURPRISED TO SEE AN OLD FRIEND WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME, ACTUALLY IT'S BEEN SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. I HAD A GOOD OLD CONVERSATION WITH HIM THEN WE WENT TO MACDONALD'S AND GOT A FEED THEN WE GREW TIRED SO WE ALL DECIDED TO GO HOME.....THAT'S IT, NO CARS, NO GIRLS, NO FIGHTS, NO COPS, NO RUSSIANS, JUST A BORING SATURDAY NIGHT OUT.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SERATOOGNA WAS A GREEN INDIAN? BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THERE HAS BEEN A RISING AMOUNT OF GENETIC MUTATION IN THE HUMAN RACE, BUT THIS JUST ONLY HAPPENS TO COINCIDE WITH THE INCREASE OF DRUG TAKING BY THE POPULOUS. COULD IT BE THAT THERE ARE DOCTORS OUT THERE TRIPING? BE CAREFUL WHEN THEY (THE DOCTORS) SAY "HMM THIS IS BAD" BECAUSE FOR ALL YOU KNOW THEY MAY BE SEEING YOU WITH TWO HEADS THREE ARMS AND WHATEVER ELSE. IT'S AN EPIDEMIC AND THERE'S NO WAY OF STOPPING IT.

NEW BIOLOGICAL EVIDENCE POINTS TO THE FACT WE EVOLVED FROM TUNA. YOU HEARD ME, TUNA. GREEN SEAS WANTS TO BEGIN A HUMAN BREEDING PROGRAM AND SNAPPY TOM HAS JUST RELEASED ITS MAN IN A CAN FOOD FOR CATS. I FEAR THAT THIS DISCOVERY HAS RESULTED IN A GREAT UPHEAVAL IN THE FOOD CHAIN. SEVERAL NATIONS HAVE BANNED FISHING RODS AND REX HUNT HAS A WARANT FOR HIS ARREST ON SERIOUS ASSULT AND DEPREVATION OF LIBERTY CHARGES, AS WELL AS A FEW MURDERS. THE TIME HAS COME AND PEOPLE ARE DEFENDING THEIR FISH BROTHERS.

The four horsemen of the apocalyse ride, heading towards Perth as we speak. Death on his black charger Binky. War on My Friend Flicka. Famine rides Black Beauty and Polution Mr Ed. Taxes rides a golf buggy but is falling behind. Following after them is the tidal wave that will sink Rottnest Island once and for all.

YEEEEAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!

The surfs are allready waiting there, hoping to grab the antenna on top of the Bank West tower as they go past. "Hello everybody, I'm Mr Ed" says Mr Ed. The famous Middle Eastern Guru Bartholemew B Biscuit Barrel is waiting on the beach with a pentacle and crucifix, but I fear there is little he can do. Farewell Perth, farewell Rottnest, and farewell everything west of the Darling Escarpment. We're going swiming. Listen for the approach of the Dolphin hoard, they are coming to eat the bodies of the dead. All that Monkey Mia stuff is just a front, they desire raw human flesh. Beware the Black Helicopters!

I'VE HEARD THAT THEY'VE FOUND LOST RECORDS OF THE FABLED CITY OF ATLANTIS, AND THEY REVEAL A LOT ABOUT THE CITY. THEY NEVER KNEW THAT ATLANTIS HAD A PEST PROBLEM. THAT'S RIGHT, MANY LITTLE FISH SWIMMING AROUND. THEY WERE SO ANGERED BY THIS THAT THEY SANK ATLANTIS IN EXPERIMENTAL TESTS TRYING TO RID THEMSELVES OF THE FISH, AND IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS WEIRD YOU'VE ONLY HEARD THE BEGINING. THEY SAY ATLANTIS WAS FOUNDED BY A COUPLE OF CARP AND PIKE, AND A CIVIL WAR BREWED BETWEEN THEM WITH THE CARP VICTORIOUS. THEN CAME MANY PEACEFUL YEARS AS THEY EVOLVED INTO SUPERIOR BEINGS, BUT THEN MAN CAME ALONG AND ATE WELL FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS. THE CARP, FEW IN NUMBERS, RETREATED AND SLOWY PLOTTED REVENGE. FINALLY WITH THEIR NUMBERS BEYOND BELIEF (THAT'S A LOT Y'KNOW) THEY SEIZED ATLANTIS AND MENACED THE HUMANS. FINALLY MAN SAW NO END IN SIGHT AND DECIDED TO SINK THE ISLAND. THIS IS THE TRUE STORY OF ATLANTIS AS IT WAS CHRONICLED IN THE ATH M'TARL.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE RIN-TAH-ESH AND THE TEXT THAT IS WRITTEN ON THESE? NO, THEN I'D BETTER TELL YOU. THE TEXT REFERS TO GHENGIS KHAN'S TRUE APPEARANCE, A HAMSTER, AND HIS ADVISOR WAS A FROG. THE FROG WAS KILLED AND EATEN CLOSE TO KHANS DEATH WHEN KHAN CHOKED ON SOMETHING ABOUT AN OLD FRIEND.

Beware the uprising of the Quokkas! For years they have lived dociley on Rottnest but the day is coming when their lust for blood will become insatiable! Years of Quokka Soccer has finally got on their nerves. They will storm the tunnels on Rottnest and take over the big gun! They'll shell Perth and Fremantle into oblivion then take out all the suburbs they can hit. Their free to advertise newspaper is only the begining! Beware the night of the long tails! Probably the possums will be in on it too. They'll descend from the rooftops and rip into anyone they can catch! Forget drop-bears, this is serious. The only way to defeat them is to recite the third canticle of Thoth from the Egyptian Book of the dead whilst standing on Cottosloe beach in the nude except for a pair of flippers and a hankercheif hat (like Luigi's from WA Salvage). This must be done at midnight Tonight! If you do not do this thing civilisation as we know it will end.

GOOD MORNING. THIS MESSAGE IS BEING BROUGHT TO YOU BY UNLUCKY MAN - THE NEW CONDOM WITH HOLES ADDED. THE SKY IS RED AND THE SEA IS PURPLE. HI I'M THE GUY THAT TAKES TRIPS ON A DAILY BASIS. THE POLITICANS MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OVER A FEW DEAD PEOPLE AND TRY TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE SAINTS BUT REALLY THEY'RE THE DEVIL'S CHOSEN FEW. BRYANT WAS ON A MISSION FROM HOWARD HIMSELF. HE'D BEEN TOLD TO TAKE OUT AS MANY HAPPY FAMILIES AS POSSIBLE. THE POLITICIANS AND MEDIA FILL OUR LIVES WITH BULLSHIT TRIVIA TO MASK THEIR TRUE INTENTIONS AND COVER THEIR LIES BUT SOME SEE THROUGH THE WEB OF DECEPTION AND SEE THE LYING BASTARDS FOR WHAT THEY REALLY ARE. THE FACT THAT JOHN HOWARD CAME FROM THE SECOND PLANE OF HELL IS OLD NEWS ANYWAY. FIGHT THE CONSPIRACY. THE INFORMATION THEY FEED US IS FABRICATED TO TELL US HOW TO ACT AND BEHAVE SO THAT WE ARE EASIER TO CONTROL AND MANIPULATE.

THE ANCIENT ONE HAS ARRIVED VIA TRANS-DIMENSIONAL WARP GATE AND THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. SINCE ARRIVING, THE WRINKLED WONDER HAS BEGUN TOO MAKE CHANGES TO OUR VERY EXISTANCE AND TO THE FABRIC OF REALITY. SOON WE WILL BE BASHING ABORIGINIES AND SAYING "GIVE OUR COUNTRY BACK SINCE WE WERE HERE BEFORE YOU!". ALSO THE NEW COMPUTER INVENTION OF THE TAPE DRIVE, WHICH HOLDS 10 TIMES MORE THAN A CD. THESE ARE BUT A FEW OF THE ANCIENT ONE'S DOINGS, BEWARE ALL THINGS THAT SEEM SOMEWHAT CHANGED, BECAUSE THE CHANCE IS THEY ARE.

YOU HEARD ABOUT THE GUY THAT KILLED FOR HIS KITTEN? A NEW AGE IS DAWNING FOR THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. THEIR EVOLUTIONS HAVE FINALLY MADE THEM THE SUPERIOR RACE TO THE POINT THEY CAN FORCE US TO KILL. I FEAR FOR MY SAFETY SINCE I HAVE CAUSED MUCH PAIN TO SMALL ANIMALS. MUST WE BE FORCED TO ENDURE THE MISTAKES OF THOSE THAT DIDN'T FEED TWEETY OR FORGOT TO TAKE ROVER WALKIES? WE ARE IN DIRE NEED OF HELP NOW, PERHAPS WE COULD BEG THE INSECT WORLD FOR HELP.

LLAMAS WERE ONCE OUR LEADING SOURCE OF ENERGY UNTIL THEY FOUND OUT THAT MICE CAN TURN WHEELS. THIS OF COURSE WAS KNOWN AS THE MICE AGE AND THERE WERE FEWER POWER PROBLEMS DURING THIS TIME THAN ANY OTHER, APART FROM THE OBVIOUS WHEN REPLACEMENT MICE WERE NEEDED. THE TOLL ON THE MICE WAS DEMANDING WITH NO LET UP, UNTIL THEY PICKETED THE FACTORIES AND TOWNS AT WHICH THEY WORKED. THE STRIKE REACHED EPIDEMIC PORTIONS WHEN THE RATS JOINED. IF IT WASN'T FOR A PIED PIPER LIFE MAY HAVE BEEN A WHOLE LOT DIFFERENT TODAY.

THERE HAVE BEEN MANY FAMOUS VERMIN REBELLIONS. FOR INSTANCE THE GREEK INVASION OF TROY. IT IS SAID THAT A RAT CAME TO THE GREEK LEADER AND INSPIRED HIM WITH THE HORSE IDEA WHICH CO-INCIDENTLY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GIANT RAT AND NOT A HORSE, BUT THERE WERE LAST MINUTE CHANGES WHEN THEY FOUND THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH WOOD FOR THE EARS. IT IS ALSO WRITTEN THAT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO AND OTHER FRENCH ACTIVITIES WERE CAUSED BY NAPOLEON AFTER HE WAS BITTEN BY A MOUSE. WHETHER THIS IS JUST CO-INCIDENCE OR WHAT I DON'T KNOW. HITLER HAD A PET RAT! THIS IS A DISTURBING TREND. THESE VERMIN STICK TO THE SHADOWS OF NIGHT AND PLOT THE DESTINY OF ALL MANKIND! WHAT SICKENING PLOT ARE THEY HATCHING NOW? PERHAPS IT IS TOO LATE ALREADY. SET THE TRAPS AND LAY THE BAITS! REPELL ALL VERMIN! IT MAY BE OUR ONLY SALVATION.

You forgot to mention the bat uprising of 1775 that eventually led to the American revolution. Bats flew out from the Rockys in vast formations, one observer compared them to a solar eclipse. They stole cattle, burned crops, and raped all the women (One is said to have given birth to a half bat/half human, but this is rejected as being biologically implausable and rather silly). They were only driven back when Thomas Jefferson burnt his famous hemp crop, stoning them all so much they flew into the ocean off Miami (The first recorded disapearence in the Bermuda Triangle). Jefferson got so pissed off at having to burn his hemp that he declared independance from Britain the next year by throwing cases of heavily taxed British hemp into Boston harbour while dressed as an indian. This was known as the Boston Hemp Party (Later historians claimed the cases contained tea).

HAVE YOU TRIED DELARIUMANIXOSTING? ITS A PROCESS WERE THEY REMOVE YOUR SKELETON AND REPLACE IT WITH POPSTICKS. AFTER A WHILE THEY'LL REPLACE THE POPSTICKS WITH YOUR REAL SKELETON. PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE THIS HAVE CLAIMED ALL SORTS OF THINGS. ONE OLD LADY FROM AUSTRIA CLAIMED THAT ELVIS HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HER FOR SEVERAL HOURS. ANOTHER CLAIMS HIS UNCLE'S A COCKROACH (I DON'T KNOW HOW VALID THAT REPORT WAS). SOME WOMAN FROM THE USA THOUGH SHE WAS A DOG THAT WAS A WOMAN. I REALLY THINK THIS EXPERIENCE WOULD BE MIND OPENING, DON'T YOU THINK?

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST:

For many years now there has been a debate as to the now infamous "Number of the Beast", the debate being as follows ...Is the number of the beast 666 or is it in actual fact 999 and misinterpreted by the first person to see it and become gospel ever since? I think it is my duty to share now with the people of the world that I have in fact talked with the devil himself (last Saturday arvo as a matter of fact) and he informed me that he is plenty pissed off at the fact that people think it is 666 and have made all kind of lame excuses for it being 666.
I asked the devil why out of all the numbers he could have picked pick 999 and he told me that "..it's such a cool number, it's real trippy like, you know what I mean man, it's like one more and it's a thousand man, way cool eh?"
Anyway, after we had a few bourbons together (for anyone interested the devil drinks Jack Daniels. So does Slash, is that saying something or what?) at the Leederville Hotel he said that he would appreciate it if people would understand that THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST IS 999 AND NOT 666.
The devil then said "If anyone wants to come and check hell out, there is a hell open day for all ages on Saturday 25th May from 10am. There will be buses running every 15 minutes from Perth Bus Depot and the boarding fee is your soul. There will be live bands all day with a line up of some really big acts man, like DEATH, MORBID ANGEL, SEPULTURA, ALLEGIANCE AND PANTERA to name a few. There is no bus boarding fee for people with a violent criminal background so bring your details with you for free entry man. I look forward to seeing you all there, there was a great turnout last year and it totally went off. By the way dudes, there is a burnt t-shirt competition for the girls so dudes bring your bitches along. Seeya there man."

It has been conclusively shown that most, if not all terminal illneseses can be cured by drinking large quantities of cyanide. This new wonder drug is set to rearrage the way we think about medicine, and it taking the medical world by storm. The cure is instant. Soon after taking the drug patients report no symptoms, pain or indeed life signs at all. The Northern Territory is rumoured to be very interested in legalising cyanide. Dr Jack Kavorkian is said to be overjoyed. In other news miners at Karlgoolie have discovered a large metalic object embeded in jurrasic limestone. It has the appearance of some kind of engine, possibly solar powered, and is engraved with stange hyroglyphics. It this proof of the intellegence of the dinosaurs? Are the rumours that they destroyed themselves in a nuclear war true? Only time (and Stephen Speilburg) will tell. The very fact that the screws turn backwards has lead some to speculate that it is of non-human manufacture. Dr Alexi Sayle of the WA museum has released a statement that the dinosaurs were not intellingent, did not build the engine, and evolved into the creatures known today as caterpillars. Dr Sayle was latter admitted to Greylands mental institution where he is said to be doing as well as can be expected.

ON THE SUBJECT OF ANIMALS WITH WEIRD NAMES AND SO ON HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE URIEN MONKEY? FROM WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD IT'S GOOD FOR S#!T. BUT THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT. DEVO'S TURKEY-MONKEY WAS INSPIRED BY THE ELEPHANTDOG, THE CATFISH, DOGFISH AND OF COURSE THE CLINTON. NOW YOU MAY ASK ME WHAT A CLINTON IS OR YOU MAY NOT, BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY. THE CLINTON (OR SCIENTIFICLY PRESIDENTUS AMERICANUS) IS A CONSERVITAVE 40+ TYPICAL AMERICAN PRESIDENT WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF A SLOTH (FOR HIS NATRUAL SLOWNESS AND SLIGHT NAIVITY), LIMA (A WHITE HAIRED MONKEY FROM WHICH HE GETS HIS PREDOMINATLY WHITE HAIR) AND A HORSE (FOR THOSE LONG JOGS IN THE MORNING). HE IS OFTEN FOUND IN HIS NATIVE HABITAT, THE WHITE HOUSE AND IS BLAMED FOR THE NEAR ERRADICATION OF THE BUSH. ONCE IN A WHILE HE WILL FOLLOW THE MIGRATION PATH OF FORMER PRESIDENTS AND GO TO RUSSIA, HERE HE WILL MAKE CONVERSATION ABOUT WEAPONS OF WAR AND SO FORTH. OCCASIONLY HE WILL MIGRATE TO OTHER COUNTRIES AROUND THE GLOBE BUT FOR ONLY BRIEF STOPS. THIS IS THE NATIVE LIFE SYLE OF THE BILLIOUS CLINTON.

THIS MORNING I HAD THE USUAL CONVERSATION WITH A DOVE ABOUT THE ECONOMIC FLUX AND HOW THE DOLLAR IS GETTINING STRONGER, THOUGH MR DOVE SPECULATED ON THE ECONOMY STALLING IN THE NEAR FUTURE WITH THE LIBERALS UNABLE TO SELL TELSTRA AND OTHER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS DOVE DID HIS RESEARCH, OR WHETHER HE PERCHES AROUND THE STOCK EXCANGE WHEN HE'S IN TOWN BUT I RECKON HIS KNOWLEDGE WITH NUMBERS IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN THE ENTIRE LIBERAL PARTY. SO IF THERE ARE DOVES IN YOUR ELECTORATE NOMINATE THEM AND THEN VOTE FOR THEM. IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

THE BIRDS ARE FLOCKING, TOO LONG HAVE WE NEGLECTED THEIR CALL AND INVADED THEIR DOMAIN WITH MONSTEROUS BEHEMOTHS OF STEEL. THE TIME FOR PEACE HAS BEEN AND GONE, AND WHILST WE STOOD DOING NOTHING THEY HAVE BEEN PLOTTING A COLD AND MALEVOLENT DEATH FROM ABOVE FOR THE BIPEDS. MANY WILL SUFFER THE FATE OF BIRD CRAP ON THEIR CARS AND IN THEIR HAIR. SUFFER THOSE ON BEACH PICNICS, WHERE THE GULL DIVISION WILL TAUNT AND HARASS THEM UNTIL THEIR MINDS ARE STRAINED. BEWARE OF THE KAMIKAZI PIGEON FOR HE HAS DOWNED MANY A PLANE. CURSE OUR EXISTANCE FOR BRINGING A FATE SO HORRID TO OUR OWN KIND. IF WE ONLY LISTENED TO THE TWEETS AND CHIRPS OF DISGUST WHEN THE WRIGHT BROTHERS TOOK TO THE AIR. SHAME ON US ALL, MAY THEY SPARE YOUR CAR AND CRAP ON A VOLVO.

Art thou aware of ye great conspiracy? That god is in fact black? this startling fact was revealed to an awaiting humanity in 1500 AD but has been covered up by white church ministers ever since. Also revealed in the same interview was the meaning of life, the value of 1 divided by 0 and the awful truth behind the legend of the boogy man. The interview took place on July 5th 1500 in the small German town of Holzfaller. God descended in his cutom built '39 fuel injected with tripple overhead cams pillar of fire and spoke with Martin Luther for about 10 minutes. The content of the interview was published, but was quickly destroyed by the church. Only a few partial copies survive. An extract of one of these follows.

ML: Now we're speaking with God. Thanks for coming God.
G: It's great to be here Martin.
ML: So what metaphysical truths do you have to reveal to our viewers today?
G: Well I thought I'd reveal the ultimate meaning of life
ML: Well I'm sure our viewers will be interested in that, but before you do I'd like to take the oppourtunity to complement you on that suit.
G: Thanks Martin, I got it cheap at a little clothing store in Guatemala. It's real Andean Wool you know.
ML: Really?
G: And the design is by Armani.
ML: Well, God sure is a sharp dresser. We'll be back after these messages, when God will reveal the ultimate meaning of the universe.

The rest of the text was expurgated in 1605 by Dr John Dee, Court Astrologer to Queen Elizabeth the First. Some of it is rumoured to have been included in "As you like it" by Shakespeare, but this is doubtfull.

The time is rapidly coming when we must realise that the human race is doomed. The Old Ones wait, and when the stars are right will arise to rend and slay. All human religion is nothing but a sham, a cover for the perverted worship of the Old Ones. The "Goddess" worshiped by the pagans is nothing more than Shubb-Niggurath, Black Goat of the woods with a thousand young. The Horned God, Currnunos, Pan, or Satan, whichever name you choose is Nyarlathotep, father of the million favoured ones, bringer of strange joy to Yuggoth in the void, He of the Thousand forms. What can we make of the simirality between the names Yahweh (JHVH), and Yog-Sothoth, keeper of the gate? What horrible secret is contained in the phrase "Eat my body, drink my blood"? For the blood is the life it is said. The Tiki of the Polenesian Islanders is so similar in form to mighty Cthulhu. And what of Kulukan? The bringer of knowledge to the Aztecs? Do we really want to see the second coming? Their hand is at thy throat always, yet thee see them not. After summer is winter, and after winter summer. Man rules now where they once ruled. They shall rule where man now rules. They were, are and WILL BE again.

A STORY:

The rain confused her. It would melt her anguish and left her sitting motionless, staring into the darkness of what was her mind.
Winter had overstayed it's welcome. Since the rains had flooded the old town of Greenacre, Emily had been confined to the castle which overlooked the ferociously green meadows and the moody stretch of sea. She had become what others would have described as slightly neurotic, often arousing into a fit of rage. Living with Emily wasn't all too bad, there were times when she would be at her most sweetest behaviour, and you would have never guessed that she was hiding behind a cloak of continuous madness.

It is little known, but never the less true that a gigantic toad inhabits Lake Victoria in Africa. This toad, which is called H'mambe by the locals and Jumbo-Mumbo by white explorers feasts nightly on sacrifices of dogs and cattle, driven into the lake by it's worshipers. It is said to be 50 ft long, and to be able to eat native canoes in a single gulp. The noted explorer Stanley Livingstone saw Jumbo-Mumbo and recorded the event in his journal, although this was latter expurgated by publishers who thought the public would not believe it. Jumbo-Mumbo is greenish in colour and reeks like rotten eggs. It has been known to come on shore at certain times of year, perhaps looking for a mate. It is thought that the toad fills a vital niche in the local eco-system, eating the vast quantities of flies and mosquitoes that swarm over the lake in spring and autumn. If the toad was killed, these would fly to the shore and attack the native villages. Some believe that the Mokele-mbembe of the Congo is nothing more than Jumbo-Mumbo, who swims there via underground caves. This is thought unlikely, as if it were true lake Victoria would drain and flood the Congo basin. It is rumoured that the natives used to sacrifice humans to the toad, perhaps this is what happened to the lost Johansson Expedition of 1845.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ILLEGITIMENT CHILDREN ELVIS HAS HAD SINCE HE DIED? SUPPOSEDLY HE'S HAD FOURTEEN LOVE CHILDREN AND TWENTY SEVEN THROUGH "PRIMAL URGES" AND "FANTASIES". FOR SOMEONE THAT'S DEAD HE REALLY GETS AROUND. ALSO HE SHOPS IN FOUR DIFFERENT AMERICAN CAPITALS EACH WEEK, AND HOLIDAYS IN LOS ANGLES AND NEW MEXICO. OCCASIONLY HE GOES HOME TO MEMPHIS. NOW FOR SOME ONE THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY SIX FOOT UNDER HE REALLY GETS AROUND. PERHAPS IT'S HIS SPIRIT RISEN BUT THEN HE'D BE A GHOST AND GHOSTS NEED NO FOOD. IF ELVIS REALLY HAS SO MANY CHILDREN ONE DAY EVERYONE MAY BE A DESCENDENT OF ELVIS!